back to hell….

so earlier this week (Monday) I hit a very low point due to something. I could not take it and it was killing me inside. To be honest I do not care who reads or says anything to another person. But what happened on monday left me with the worse feeling ever that lead into tuesday. I wanted to kill myself or do something to myself, thats all I kept seeing over and over again. Even when I was at work at 4 in the morning till 10. When I got home i sat in my room feeling like shit and just seeing and thinking things that I believe now are true. Then I just grab my back pack put some clothes in it and took off. I drove away from everything and just went straight up north. I did not care if I had to live out of my car for a while. I didn’t even tell anyone. A couple hours in I called up a old friend and lucky he was staying in monterey. He told me I could crash with him as long as I needed and I did when I got there. The place he lives in has the be the most relaxing and peaceful town. My time there really did help me out but I was still alone. Since my friend had his own personal life he was working most of the time. So I did things on my own. I drove to san fran by myself which was okay but then felt lonely and left. I went to the aquarium yesterday but even that felt lonely to do. Trying to feel better but in the end I know was not because I knew coming home it would hit me all over again. Now being back and noticing things I feel worse than I did leaving. I wish I could stay out there and live out there with my friend. I seriously thank him for taking me in because I know if I would of stayed, I do not know what I would of done to myself. I just feel that I have nothing left for me here anymore. 


I should be happy about it but I know the closer it gets the more upset I am going to get with myself. I can feel it already.. It’s going to be different and that’s what bothers me at most. I know when the day finally does come, I am just going to want to be alone and away from everyone.


I nearly passed out right at work just now. I came to the break room just to sit down for awhile. I hate having this unsettling stomach feeling plus feeling dizzy and weak..
I fucken hate this.

I used to look forward to the weekend. now I just feel like shit every time…